Hi there and welcome to my blog!
So it’s been while… again. But this time I have a few reasons as to why I’ve been MIA. In today’s blog post I want to chat a little bit and get some things off my chest. I might not even post this but I feel like I need to vent or I’ll just explode. I’ve had a rough couple of weeks and that has led me to barley open twitter or look at my blog. Blogging definitely took a back seat (hell, I think it fell out of the car completely) to everything else that’s been going on. Now, I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m not writing this to get people to worry about me or pity me, I’m writing it because I feel so close to the metaphorical edge I might just fall off it soon. Don’t worry, I haven’t done anything to hurt myself I guess I’ve started to want to drink more but due to work I can’t so that’s helpful. Any way lets get on with the post!
My auntie died.
The first major thing to happen this past month is my great auntie died. She was 85 and one of the funniest ladies I will ever have the pleasure of knowing. She always said she was growing old disgracefully and wow did she live up to that saying. She loved a cheeky vodka (and even drank them when we got her a sneaky double) she would walk into a room and light it up. If you were in a public place, you never knew what she was going to say next. Everybody was laughing at her funeral because it was impossible not to laugh in her presence and it was a bitter sweet day. I keep forgetting she’s gone then I remember suddenly and it hurts. I met my family for lunch yesterday and on the way wondered if my auntie would surprise us and turn up like she used to do and then I remembered. She’s gone.
Now, the thing that is hurting the most is that we were told it was natural causes that killed her but yesterday we found out something we didn’t know: she may have been killed. She was a rich lady and while nothing was stolen, she was found in a way that suggested someone else might have been involved. It hurts so much to think she may have been taken away from us by someone else and the anger and regret for not being there is eating me up. I’m sat here now on the verge of tears just thinking about it. We have an inquest in August so hopefully we’ll find out the truth. Until then, it’s a waiting game.
My family is grieving.
While all families grieve after a loss, my family doesn’t deal with their grief very well. I ignore it. Well as best I as can. I can’t think about it without me breaking down so I pretend it didn’t happen. My nanna holds it all in. She feels she has to be strong for all of us and if she isn’t we will all break. My stepdad ignores it as well but doesn’t do well when he sees other peoples grief. My mum has some unhealthy coping mechanisms which usually causes friction back at home.
The times when I think about how they are coping, or not coping I break. Ignoring it is not the best way to cope but I don’t know what else to do. I’m worried about my family. It makes it hard to carry on when you’re worried about other people, especially when you know you can’t do anything. It really is heart-breaking, living away from them is difficult especially at a time like this and I want to help but have no idea how to.
Tension at home.
Me and my boyfriend are a little rocky at the moment. With everything else that’s going on, the stress is causing a mood in my home. He is stressed waiting to hear back about a job that could put him on his dream career path and I’m worried about my family. Little things are starting to become big things like if I leave my shampoo in the shower or if he doesn’t move his shoes. It’s quiet often world war three in my home over nothing in particular. It’s so hard. I just want to forget everything and be with him in my bubble but now there’s problems in my bubble. I’m really struggling.
I feel like a time bomb.
I have a condition called PCOS (I wrote a blog post here about it) and it makes me feel like I’m running out of time to have a family. I was told by a doctor I need to start planning my family now and by 28 it’s going to be harder for me to have my own children. My boyfriend wants to get married first but now I’m nearly 24, I have about 4 years left to get married and have the 3 children I want. I’ve started to panic about my future and that is causing issues with my boyfriend. He doesn’t like talking about the future and he gets very stressed when I want to talk about it. He wants at least a 2 year engagement before we get married but has no intention of proposing any time soon.
I feel like I’m stuck in a loop of worrying, arguing, calming down, then worrying again. I can’t seem to get out of the loop and I just want so desperately to be happy in the now but my worry for the future is making the now hard to enjoy.
So, what am I going to do about it all?
I’m going to try. That’s all I can do really. Try to get through one day at a time. Try and take the tension out of my home. Try and help my family when I can. Try to not worry when I can’t help them. Try and enjoy the now. Try to not hate myself when there are things I can’t change. Just try. Take evey day as it comes and try and find some kind of joy in everyday. I’m setting myself a challenge, everyday I want to find that one thing that makes me smile and I’ll write it down. Maybe I’ll blog at the end of the week, maybe I’ll keep it private, who knows. For anyone else struggling: lets do it together. Lets all write one thing that makes you smile everyday. Lets get some positivity into everyday!
So there we go. A post that got very personal and a little depressing ending on a good note! That’s my plan going forward. Lets see how well this works. I’ll try and blog a bit more and become more active on social media, see if that helps this low mood I’m in. If anyone else is struggling, my messenger is always open ❤
Until next time,