Hello and welcome back to my blog!
I’ve been MIA again and this has been down to a number of reasons. The main one: not taking my anti depressants. I know. I know. BAD. One day I just stopped and didn’t start taking them again. But not to worry- I’ve got a doctors appointment in a few days to try and sort it out- I’m trying to get back on track and end 2018 the way I want to start 2019! So here we are again coming back to the blog after a while off.
Today I want to talk about my few weeks where I didn’t take my medication. I went low and felt like I was in a bad head space. I mean I knew taking my medication would make me feel somewhat better, but when you’re in that place, rational thought goes away. Things you know you should do you can’t find the energy or motivation to do. And that’s probably one of the biggest issues I have with my mental illness.
For those of you who don’t know, I have anxiety and depression and have been on medication for about 4 months. I’ve had this illness for a lot longer than that, the anxiety I’ve had since high school and the depression for about 4 years, I’ve noticed it getting worse so decided to get help. The medication helps a little bit but not that much. My jobs are suffering and I only have a social life when there’s alcohol involved – mainly because my friends drag me out, I wouldn’t go if they didn’t convince me (that’s only once a week – if that – don’t worry!) I suppose part of me stopped taking the medication because I still felt rubbish so didn’t think it was working.
Something that I did notice is how I’ve lost track of time, the days just seem to blend into one and other and time either goes really quickly or a minute feels like an hour. I haven’t been working at the museum much because it’s quiet leading up to Christmas, which I totally get! And my other job has been causing me more stress than I need. So work wise I’ve been incredibly quiet. Social wise I only go out once a week drinking and due to arguments and a breakdown, has gone on the back burner. Other than a bit of work and drinking, I don’t do anything else. I go to bed about 11, sleep for 12 hours, get up and eat, maybe tidy up if I can be bothered, sit and binge Netflix, eat, eat more, then bed time.
This routine is getting me down but I can’t seem to find the drive to change it. I want to read but I can’t be bothered, I want to blog but my mind is mush and can barley put a sentence together, I want to go out but it’s the same routine when we go into town and that’s getting repetitive. Even sitting on social media gets me down. People are pregnant or buying a house or getting paid to do what they love and I feel even more pants than usual. Wow I sound so cheery don’t I?
I’ve realised I can’t start 2019 feeling like this. I’m coming up to my one year anniversary since I started Becoming Elysia and when I look back, I have come far – I get you amazing people reading the random stuff that goes on in my head and I’ve made some great friends through this experience. Me and my boyfriend have been together 4 years and are looking at moving to Birmingham next year. So things are going well for me. Yeah, I may not be where I want to be right now but it’ll come and my first challenge is to kick this metal illnesses butt!
Being without my medication has been a bit of a blessing in disguise I think. It’s made me realise that having them does help me, but maybe a little bit of a stronger dose just for now might help more. It’s also made me realise I can’t keep wasting my days on nothing and letting them blend into one long day. This time without them has been difficult but I think it’s made me understand that this is just in my head and only I can get it out of my head and overcome it. I think I’ve been waiting for someone to hand me a magic wand and make me better but that’s not going to happen. I’m going to work hard and be the best version of me I can be – 2019 watch out. I’m coming for you!
Well there we go. Sorry for the depressingness there, but I think I needed to get it out of my head and on to paper (well you know what I mean!) writing this has made me feel better already and has given me some ideas for more blog posts so hopefully I’ll be back at this blogging stuff ASAP.
Thank you all for being so understanding while I’m taking time to find myself. I guess that was the point of this blog in the first place so maybe I am smashing it after all!
See you soon for new blog post 💜